Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought that today will be the greatest day ever? No. No one thinks that. Ever. Everyone basically wakes up and goes to their god awful job so you can afford to buy beers, shots and late night Taco Bell. Please don’t tell my therapist about that last sentence because she makes me say, “My life is awesome” before she lets me leave her office.
So let’s get to the subject at hand here. Lusty dating. It seems that everyone these days is online dating. I recently saw my grandmother’s match.com profile for gods sake , and she doesn’t even own a computer (no- I didn’t wink at her). She walks a mile and a half in a walker every morning to the library to email her matches. It’s also a little weird because my Gramps is still alive but hey, it’s not for me to judge. Unfortunately for you, this post is not about my Grandma. It’s about what I like to call, “THE DATE FROM HELL.”
I’m assuming that everyone has been on a bad date before. I was talking to this girl from Match.com for a few days and we decided that we would meet up to see where things would go. Up to this point, all our conversations had been via email and text. One random Sunday we both decided that the following Monday would be a good time for us to meet up and get to know each other. We chatted a little bit that night about things like favorite types of music and other stupid crap that you talk about when you are online dating. That Monday, we didn’t talk for the entire day and at around 4 pm I get a text:
Worst date: I have a problem!
LustyL: What’s the problem?
Worst date: Can you come pick me up?
LustyL: Do you have car trouble?
Worst Date: No I have a breathalyzer in my car so I can’t drink.
LustyL: Lets get coffee instead. It’s not safe for you to have a random pick you up.
WorstDate: I’ll just meet you there
LustyL: Ok….Your call
An hour later:
Worst date: I’m running late.
LustyL: hmm ok.
At this point I’m really thinking I should have just canceled the date. “This won’t go well,” I thought, “but everyone has issues. Stuff happens.” Finally, I get a text from her that she’s at the restaurant. I start walking towards the restaurant and I see her turn the corner and she yells, “HEY WONDERFUL.” I automatically think this girl is a complete idiot
We walk into the restaurant and we sit at a table. I’m thinking since she can’t have a few drinks we can grab dinner. Our waitress comes and she says, “Can I have a LARGE margarita frozen” and I say, “I’ll have an Ultra.” She then looks at me and says, “So my parents dropped me off.” I would’ve loved to see the look on my face, because the first thing on my mind was “GET OUT. GET THE HELL OUT.”
She starts off the conversation with, “How long have you been on match.com and have you met anyone worth having a relationship with?” It’s apparent that this girl has never been introduced to the concept of an inside voice. I start to hear the table behind me start to laugh. I quietly respond “Oh, I’ve been on for a few months, and that I hadn’t met anyone that would be worth dating.” Then she starts talking about what she does, you know, small
talk stuff for about 20 minutes. I learned something about myself in that 20 minutes: that I could actually talk to anyone about anything at any given time. Then, she asked my favorite question of the entire date, “have you been on many second dates?” I looked at her and I’m thinking to myself that there is no way this chick has ever been on a second date. That might sound mean, but this is just bad. I looked at her and I said that I had been on a couple and she then respond with, “ohhh, I’ve never been on a second date.” As much as I wanted to say well maybe your luck was about to change I had no desire to ever see this girl again. She then decides that she has to go to the restroom. I now see this is my chance to get the hell out of dodge. I reach into my wallet and grab 25 dollars and I make quick pace to the door.
While making my stealthy escape, I hear someone say, “Excuse me sir.” I turn around and it’s this older
gentleman. IT WAS HER DAD. I stopped and he looked at me and says, “I know it’s bad, but she hasn’t been on a date in a while and I don’t want her to be discouraged.” I now have a look of WTF on my face. He then reaches for his wallet and pulls out a 100 dollar bill. I looked at him, nodded, took the hundred and walked my butt back in the restaurant. As I was walking back to the table I saw she was walking back to the table. I walked pretty quickly to grab the money from the table and sat back down. We talked for about 5 more minutes and then, mercifully, she made the executive decision to have her parents come pick her up. They had allegedly gone to Barnes and Noble but I knew the horrifying truth. After a couple more minutes of basically the worst conversation I have EVER had, finally this date was coming to an end. My lusty tip after this experience is: If it starts bad it’s going to end worse.
Thanks for being lusty LustyL