We’ve all woken up to those places thinking, “What did I do last night? What is that smell? And why is someone’s grandmother sleeping on the floor next to a giant dildo?!?” Growing up in a small town where a boy scout camp was your backyard, one doesn’t ever really think they will be running through the 9th ward of New Orleans on a random Saturday morning trying to get to the starting line of a marathon race. Needless to say, these are all firsts for this chick. After I slipped out of the twin bed that a grown ass man banged me in all night, I really didn’t remember how I ended up waking up to this. So I walked into the bathroom and began to try to piece it all together.

I remember the Lusty Slot Machine (bonjour) and I leaving Baton Rouge at midnight to meet some friends that were running in the race the next day. Of course we ended up at a bar. I started to casually talk to this guy who played football for Tulane, and he just so happened to be on a team that went undefeated(yea that allegedly happened). He also had some championship ring that may or may not be still stuck in my vagina (I feel like something is wedged up in there), but that’s not the point of this story. We talked for a while as he told me about his life in the federal pen(11 years) and how he is on a TV show now. That’s what all girls want to hear right? Well… we started taking shots. After 9 shots of fireball (give or take 15), I decided to ask him if we could get out of this place. He said his house was nearby because of his ankle bracelet situation. His cousin, Mookie, decided to pick us up in his Crown Victoria. He was quite the gentleman and he let me ride in the back as he sat up front with Mook.

We pull up to this shot gun house with a 1980 trans-am out front, vines growing completely through the car. We are now at my sexual heaven for the night. We walk up to the house as he grabs my ass, kisses me, and then uses his keys to unlock the 3 deadbolts on the door. As we walk in the door, there is someone on the couch, and what I think at the time is his roommate, is actually his grandmother. He gives her a kiss and then introduces me. Now I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time he has brought a random white girl over in the middle of the night, because she demanded a hug and a kiss from me as well. We walk into the bedroom and there are grand kid pictures all over the room. I now start to realize that we are putting this poor old lady out her room for the night. NOT MY ISSUE. She can wait, because I’m about to get mine. I won’t go into details about the encounter, but let’s just say it is one I will remember for many reasons.

Now that I sort of remember what happened, I need to figure out how the hell I’m going to get to the race. I take out my phone that only has 10 percent left and I start calling cabs. Who knew cabs won’t come get you from the 9th ward? I finally find one, and Kevin tells me he is twenty minutes away. I then sneak out of the bathroom and step over his grandmother, who is sleeping on the floor (I’m actually not sure when she came into the room). Kevin calls and says that he will call me again when he arrives, but he will not wait any longer then 3 minutes. Ummm… okay. I see him pull up and am out the door before he can even call me. I see the window roll down and Kevin says, “Say girl,you the Lusty Continent?” I respond with a, “YES” in my raspy voice. He then asks, “Girl what the f*** you doing in this part of town? Last week my boy Jones got shot here!” “Long story” (pun intended), I reply.  I hopped in and laid down on the back seat. “I need to get to the starting line of the Rock-N-Roll Marathon stat, Kevin!”

Now to think about the race!!!!