Greetings Lusty Readers! October is finally here! The Yahoo hot topic of the day: Halloween safety, of course. More specifically, keeping your kiddies safe from pedophiles and child molesters while they run about trick-or-treating. The new rule? If you are a registered sex offender (cough cough, most of my friends), you may not leave your home between the hours of 5 and 10:30 pm on Halloween night.
Oh, that’ll show ‘em. Good move team, restrict the weird uncles out there by keeping them at home for a brief time-out as their dressed up prey prance around in the open streets all night long. Is this really what they consider to be an effective safety precaution? If I am a serial killer, but the law suggests I must stay inside between the hours of 1 and 4 om Monday, that is not going to stop me from tearing out of my house at 4:01 pm to start sniping neighbors in the street, ya dig?
Halloween is always a exciting time of the year. For children, a magical time to turn into ghouls, Buzz Lightyears, and mini Hannah Montanas, collect candy, tell spooky stories about haunted houses and ghosts, and carve pumpkins. For twenty-somethings and young adults, a time to dress like mega skanks, show off their asscheeks, dress like Lady Gaga and unlicensed nurses, pound gin & tonics and Samuel Adams Oktoberfests until they projectile vomit, and have unprotected sex with someone dressed as a Whoopie Cushion or an inflatable penis and then deny it the next day. All in all, a magical time for everyone involved.
But seriously, when did Halloween become an excuse to be a dirty slut? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was raised to believe that Halloween was a holiday where young children dressed up and engaged in an activity called…oh what was it….I believe it was….”trick-or-treating,” and people gave them candy. If you want to be a filthy skank, more power to you: I’m going to dress as Santa Clause or an inflatable bull-rider. This is America. What really chaps my ass is when people wear a bra and panties and draw whiskers on their face, and claim that they’re a cat. No, you are not a cat. I’m pretty sure a costume is composed of multiple props and articles of clothing. Wearing a tail does not make you a mouse. A tail is not a costume–it is a tail. You’re a fag.
I’m not sure what to be for Halloween. I’ve got several inflatable options I have considered including sumo wrestler, chef, and ostrich-jockey, none of which are really tickling my fancy so far. My goal is to be something completely un-sexy as usual. I really wanted to be a big red M&M, but I’ve been having a difficult time finding one. Then I developed a strong desire to be the Cookie Monster, but only found the costume in sizes 3-4 toddler, which of course I tried to squeeze into, but naturally failed. Apparently you need to be an infant to wear it. Tsk. My next “rogue” idea was to wear a white sheet with two holes cut in the face for eyes and wear a cone on my head underneath in order to look strikingly like a KKK member, so when people were like, “What the fuck, man?” I’d be like, “I’m a GHOST, god,” where I would then turn around to walk away, and my back would say “WHITE POWER.” Hahaha. Contrary to the things I say, I do not actually want to be killed, believe it or not.
I hope no children knock on our apartment door this Halloween. I don’t plan on buying any candy. I think instead, children should stop by and bring ME candy. Twix bars, specifically. I will also accept 1 or 2 5th Avenue bars, as I recently found out how delicious those are. I’ll be posting a sign on my door. I’ll make it real obvious what the deal is.
Anyway, That’s enough for today.
Lusty Mess Out.