A new up-and-coming “beauty trend” has hit the market recently, and I am perplexed by it to say the very, very least. This new fad? “Vajazzling.” Not sure what that word means? Remember when we learned conjoining root words back in elementary? Well, here’s a hint: the root words are “vagina” and “bedazzling.”

Yup.

Beautician at Completely Bare Spa, Cindy Barshop, raves about the new procedure at their beauty spa where now not only can you laser treat your legs, wax your eyebrows, and get a massage, but you can also diamond-stud your hot-spot like it’s a pair of denim jeans back in the 7th grade. Interesting.

Vajazzling is done by applying Swarovski crystals to your uh, “bikini” region in whatever pattern you so choose. Kind of like stick-on earrings, except dirtier. Why would anyone feel the need to bling out their twat? Explain this to me. Having a jewel-studded vagina can’t be a comfortable thing, either. What happens with you hitch your panties on your crotch? How do you have sex? We’re talking about friction of the worst kind. Someone could get hurt. According to the beauticians working at Completely Bare, Vajazzling has become a popular “gift” for brides-to-be, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day for their man. Maybe I’m a little unorthodox, but if I were a guy, I would not appreciate this procedure, nor would I consider it a gift. “Thanks….for the brush burn.” May as well give your man scabies instead. It’s cheaper, and just as irritating.

And why bother using expensive jewels on your vag when they’re going to fall off like sequins on a dance team uniform in no time? You’re walking along in the mall when tiny diamonds start sprinkling out from your pant legs, leaving a trail behind you like Hansel and Gretel. You sit down to tinkle and “splash,” half of your pube-decor plops into the toilet. And how do you de-Vajazzle yourself? I don’t support this new trend, but apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt does.

If I ever get a wild hair up my ass and decide to decorate my hot pocket, I would go in and get a huge american eagle Vajazzled across my la-coo-caracha. Or a Nascar racecar. You know, something classy. I would give myself nicknames, too. Like “Crystal Crotch,” and “Twinkle Twat.”

Don’t turn your crotch into a disco ball, ladies. Keep your jewelry where it belongs. Your earlobes, bellybuttons, and your nipples (you know, if you’re a stripper). Kidding. I would never, not in a million years, get my nipples pierced. I would almost rather burn to death in a fire than have my nipples pierced. I can barely have my nipples touched without experiencing discomfort, and people volunteer to have needles stabbed through theirs? No.

Well, enough about vaginas. I hope you have enjoyed my position speech. Thank you.