It was recently brought to my attention that majority of my good friends are members of the new up and coming dating app Tinder. Aha! With technology like it is today, you’re only a swipe away from a real connection. Psh. Listen, –if you didn’t find love in the past 25 years of your life, what makes you think that the internet will be any different?  Are you searching the missed connections adds on craigslist looking for your next true love?  Sending a wink or two on match.com or even sending questions to peeops on eharmony?   In case no one has told you, the internet, as a general rule of thumb, is a better place to get a BJ from a bimbo with fake boobs or get murdered, not find your life partner.

Since it appears you’re having trouble grasping this logic, let me offer you a few suggestions that seem to have worked for other people in the same figurative boat as you:

Meet At A Bar!

Drunk people are very open to the idea of “true love.”  Especially for one night.  Starting here would eliminate the ackward online dating factor entirely, and completely eliminate the ‘picture of them from when they were 30 pounds lighter’ that they have as their Tinder picture.   If you are a guy this also gives you the opportunity for cab sex or the old faithful road head.

Stop crying so much.

Things seem to just “not work out” with the ladies you’re meeting on the internet?  Stop being a whiny bitch about it.  Move on to the next one.  Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.  Try to get as many dates as possible because you don’t want to be all up one girls ass all the time.  Maybe you are exploring the wrong options.  Maybe you should get on prison finder and find a women thats been in jail.  Maybe she is getting out soon?  Or maybe someone that is in for life?  I think conjugal visits are allowed in Texas and maybe utah.

Accept the fact that every girl online sees dollar signs, and you need to settle for a gold digger. Nobody’s perfect. If your dream girl enjoys how Benjamin Franklin looks more than she enjoys how you look, let that be okay. Besides, whoever said money can’t buy happiness has never driven a Mazerati.
Give up.

Know when your uphill battle is futile. If you can’t find somebody shallow enough to stick around after graduating college and getting your doctorate degree, maybe it’s time to throw in the towel. You are simply screwed. You also might have horrible breath.  It’s also possible you just have a horrible personality or don’t know how to talk to people.  Maybe you should hire a life coach or read a self help book.  I’m sure there is one called how not to be a douche bag.  You can get it from amazon.

You are playing out of your league

You pretty much know if you are an ugly piece of shit or not.  .  Guess what? Odds are…. you are  not going to get you a perfect 10 model.  Actually, you will probably not even get a 5.  You should maybe get in the gym and do a situp or two.   You can run on a treadmill while you read your selfbook or look for prison chics online.  If you are actually looking for prison chics it also might be a good idea to google what they did to get put in jail.  Although I’m sure if you are looking for a Bonnie and Clyde situation you may have found it.

While we are on the topic of cyber dating, There seems to be a new “fad” of sorts raping late night television. Telephone dating, or “flirting” as they say. You know, “Live Links” and “Text 2 Flirt” and all that other nonsense. Are these people serious? Yes, I’m sure that there are hundreds of smoking hot women sitting in hot tubs wearing revealing lingerie that are just dying to speak and even “flirt” with the 310 pound douche with acne from Best Buy who makes a living loading TVs and is slowly killing himself via Kentucky Fried Chicken when they can go out and actually HAVE sex and contract all the gonorrhea they want in real life. What really gets me is the text flirting. Dear lord. If you’re that lonely, log onto AOL instant messenger and talk to an AIM bot. For pete’s sake. I’m sure Moviefone or ShoppingBuddy can offer the same level of intellect and turn you on just as much for half the price.
Freakaleeks.
Well not everyone can be as lucky as I have been to find true love at the age of 25. Now, a lot of people might say that I am anti-relationship in every way imaginable. I fear commitment, have no feelings, and do not possess the ability to express emotions. But, it’s time to come clean. I have a serious, lustful, provocative affair with Vodka and tonic. It’s so good. I want to submerge myself in a kiddie pool filled to the brim with this alcohol-like treat and swim about in it like a fish in the sea. Patch Adams made it happen for the old bird. I’m just saying there’s a chance
Anyway, I need to get my badonkadonk to work before I get fired. Until then, stay classy San Fransisco……I bet few to none of you caught that I said Fransisco instead of Diego. Dumbasses. Way to be sharp.