Listen everyone. I know you probably started to think that I had died or lost interest in writing or got into a horrific car accident damaging my brain so badly that I lost the ability to read, write, or eat solid foods, but I didn’t. The truth is….I’ve just been a lazy piece of shit. I am SO sorry. (For those of you who are reading this too quickly or who are stupid, that was seasoned heavily with sarcasm. In other words, I’m not sorry.)

Just kidding. I am sorry. I have dropped the ball and bored all of you readers who rely on this blog to make it through your shitty days at the office or your unstimulating college courses five days a week. Allow me to redeem myself. Nobody’s perfect, you guys.

ANYway, a lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I totaled my car, adopted a kitten, and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Just kidding. My car still sucks, I hate cats, and I’m healthy as a horse.

In case you haven’t been stalking me for the past 28 years of my life (yeah right), Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year. I love festivity. And I love gravy. And wrapping paper. BOY do I love wrapping paper. Moreover, I love gravy-covered wrapping paper.

While we’re on the holidy subject, Who is Parson Brown, and why should I want to build a snowman and pretend it is him? Tell me. Someone tell me. Is he as white as snow, literally? I believe I could rival him in the albino-look-alike contest and beat his ass, whoever he is. If little kiddies are going to make snow statues of people they admire, it should be me, not Mr. Brown. You can’t be a white tower of snow and then have a name like “Brown.” It just isn’t right. Barry White didn’t get the idea either, so someone update him while we’re on the topic.

While glancing at Yahoo! News this afternoon, I read the following news report:

Santa Claus should avoid kissing children to prevent spreading the flu and should get vaccinated against the illness, state health authority said.

What they forgot to add to this statement was “to also prevent child molestation and RAPE,” for crying out loud. Santa kissing children in the mall? No. If your child is seated upon Santa’s lap, he is already prime prey for some weird uncle action. What mother wants an overweight, seasonally-employed old bastard with a greasy beard and ketchup stains on his mothball-scented St. Nick’s suit to put his lips on their child? If the best reason you can come up with is to not spread the flu virus, you are legally insane. Why am I the only person that realizes these things? I should be a judge, the president, and a policeman. It’s pretty clear.

On another note , my dad told me a funny joke the other day

Q: What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?


A: Santa stopped at 3 ho’s.

*BAH bum, psh!*

I’m currently craving Dr. Pepper. I’m going to drink so much Dr. Pepper right now that I suffer from a Dr. Pepper hangover.

I can’t wait.

OK, that’s all the lustyness you get for today. Bye.

Lusty Mess out